The hidden story in adoption is fear
Adopted children push you away because that is what happened to them.They are testing you to see if you love them; but it is a test that never ends. They are terrified you will both love them and give them away. Being abandoned at birth imprints an infant’s brain. Even though they were young, or you adopted them at birth, they hold this fear.
They are trying to tell their story, do you know how to listen?
Are you constantly repeating these steps?
- Alarm – Your child becomes alarmed
- Fear – They react with fear or become over-controlling
- The Blow-up – They blow up and you blow up (or you both have melt-downs)
- Separation – You separate because you need space. (Your adopted child perceives this as abandonment)
- Reconciliation – When the heat of the moment has passed, you both seek contact.
You endlessly repeat this cycle which reinforces their inner belief that they are bad.
I am confident you are a great parent. But, adoptive kids have an inner alarm bell that is different than other children. Their first experience was being given away. Nothing soothes that fear without professional intervention. When their inner alarm bell rings, they will act out unless you learn new skills.
Does your adopted child…
- Try to control you or others
- Push you away
- Have unusual demands
- Need your attention all the time
Transform interactions and break the cycle:
- Learn how to better manage the special needs of adopted children
- Identify the destructive “bad baby” beliefs
- Bring the deep-seated fears to the surface “ I am unloveable, and you will leave me”
- Help the brain regulate sensation and respond normally
- Acknowledge the emotion and link that emotion to the early need for protection.